Somebody kill me . . . Pt 2

Mkay.

Had some soup.

Took a nap.

Now I'm feeling better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm STILL ready to die.

If it happens today, GREAT!

But.

I realize that I haven't yet found the right strength/prescription for my Anti-depressant and Thursday (when I FINALLY get to see my PCP) seems a looooooooooooong way away.

My anti-depressants NEVER make me feel like I want to LIVE, they just make me want to die LESS.

Get it?

So, God that hates me and enjoys my torment, just... help me keep my shit together until Thursday.

Help me STOP CRYING every 15 fucking minutes.

Make this adjustment to my meds be that last one I have to make for 6 months, at least.

Help me STOP making my wives/friends/readers feel like I'm seriously going to attempt suicide right the fuck now if they don't sent da poreeces to my house immediately.

Help them realize that depression is a roller coaster.  Sometimes I get really LOW Low low but I WILL, once again, rise to my usual level of "my life sucks, but whatever, it's been sucking since I was 13 so there's nothing about this particular low that makes it any different than the ones I've had in the past".

Help THEM even if you don't help me, because I really DO love the fucking shit out of them and I really do HATE to make them worry about me.

We straight?

Good.

I still think you are a petulant asshole, but sometimes you do good things.

Thanks! 

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May 4, 2012

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Now playing: *NSYNC - Gone via FoxyTunes

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I think I might be *gasp* HAPPY!!!

!

*thud*

It's so weird to feel something other than sad or pissed off I don't know what to do with myself!

My sneezes sound like a chihuahua or something...

Listening to: Michael Bublé - Santa Baby

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Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Depression & a Teenager

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Now playing: Brian McNight - Anytime

S

o this is a post in response to Relax Max's comment in "Going to da docta"

Here's my estimation of how my brain looks:

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Now playing: Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger

The lighter parts are the plaques or the MS affected areas of my brain. My neurologist even said he could see the part of my brain that caused the Bell's Palsy.

So right now I'm trying to wait for the video to upload so I can post it, go to bed & hopefully sleep the majority of the weekend so I won't have to deal with my delightful teenager.

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Now playing: Busta Rhymes - Don't Touch Me Now

I wonder how many songs it will be? YouTube estimates 46 more minutes.
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Now playing: Back Street Boys - The Call (Remix)

I'm going to play Angry birds, but I'll be back each time the song changes 1) Because I'm bored & B) Because I can.

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Now playing: KC and Jojo - All My Life

42 minutes remaining...

Did anyone else notice that the pigs on Angry Birds sound like Beavis & Butthead?

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Now playing: Lil Wayne ft. Tech N9ne & Andre 3000 - Interlude

37 min remaining....

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Now playing: LMFAO - I'm In Miami Bitch

35 minutes remaining...

Have you seen that video for I'm sexy & I know it? They are some Brave crazy motherfuckers...and I love it, LOL.



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Now playing: T.I. - Bring Em Out

31 minutes remaining...

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Now playing: Lady Gaga ft.Beyonce - Telephone

26 minutes remaining...

It might go faster if I didn't 2 different browsers & 4 different tabs open. I have to drain the dew off my lily. BRB.

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Now playing: Snow Tha Product - Drunk Love

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Now playing: Eve (Feat. Swizz Beatz) - Tambourine



18 minutes remaining...

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Now playing: The Roots - Don't Say Nothin

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Now playing: Train - Hey Soul Sister

Time to change the playlist.

Did I tell you that I just signed up for Dental Insurance which kicks in on 12/1 & today I broke a tooth on a fucking Hot Pocket? I could see if it was a popcorn seed or some of those hards as shit bits I get with Honey Bunches of Oats. But a Hot pocket? That's like breaking a tooth on pizza. WTF is that about?

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Now playing: Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

8 minutes remaining...

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Now playing: Chaka Khan - Ain't nobody

*sigh* 7 minutes remaining...

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Now playing: George Clinton - Atomic Dog

Here's a post I wrote when I was really going through the shit. I don't know what happened that made me feel like that, but I remember letting Evan read it before I posted & and he cried. Then I went back &tried to make it seem like I was putting someone else's words on my blog. Like a "Guest Post". I was really fucking paranoid then. I'm not paranoid at all now.

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Now playing: Jeffrey Osborne - Back in love

I just go to bed hoping I'll 'accidentally' take too many drugs & die in my sleep. But here's the post Today I forgot how to drive. You can read it now because maybe someone taking my child away from me is the best thing for both of us.

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Now playing: OJays - Backstabbers

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Now playing: LeAnn Rimes - Blue

Now the fucking thing is "processing"

God.



Goodnight.

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My Mother - 3/16/05

T

he other day, Mommy Dearest's car wouldn't start. Since her battery was 4 years old she thought it might be that & got a new one.

Entyway, she came over to my house to borrow my Jumper cables in case the battery died again (or whatever).

What you need to know is that MD says she can't watch movies with other people because they won't STFU.

Today she came over to return my cables. While she was here she realized she didn't want to cook so we ordered pizza while Evan was out jogging with his cousins.

No idea why they all decided to 'jog' today. WTFever.

Oh no! What if "jogging" is code for "smoking meth" or whatever you do with meth and Evan was just selling the cover by changing into gym shorts & his tennis shoes??? ;-p

Anyway, while we were waiting for the pizza, we watched episode 6 of Joan & Melissa.

After that was over, I put "Due Date" with Robert Downey Jr in the DVD player.

MD proceeded to talk constantly.

She - Is the fat guy Seth Rogan?
Me - Zach Galifianakis
She - I won't remember anyway. Now why is he riding with him? I thought they were on the plane?
Me - Maybe if you'd SHUT UP and LISTEN you would understand what is going on!
She - ROTFLHFAO. You won't ever watch a movie with me again, will you?
Me - Not one I haven't seen before.

I think overall she stayed about 2 hours, which is a long visit, especially when Evan isn't here.

That is about it, except this new anti-depressant has me walking more "drunk" than normal. Which means I have another reason NOT to take this shit next month (or ever again).

My knees & back have also been hurting constantly in spite of my cortisone shot & my PMS medication.

The only good thing I can say about this shit (Bupropion, in case you were wondering) is that it makes me sleepy. I am enjoying the predictability of when I'll fall asleep, LOL.

Ta! TTYL

My antidepressant isn't working...

S

ometimes it's easier than others for me to figure it out, though.

Like if I was crying all the effing time.

Over stupid shit.

Like a commercial that used to make me cry because the baby in it was so freaking cute.

Now I just want to kill everyone. And I'm sleeping ALL THE EFFING TIME.

Like I'm up for an hour and asleep for 4.

????????

Unfortunately, since I had to pay for car insurance, a car tag, school supplies, clothes & the usual monthly shit, I can't afford to go to the doctor to get my meds changed until September.

But at least it will be harder for everyone around me to wait for September than it will be for me.

Muuuuuuuhahahahahahahahah.

☻
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Now playing: Prince - Billy Jack Bitch
via FoxyTunes

I'm off my anti-depressant

B

ecause the new one, the one that worked so well the first time I tried it, wasn't working this time.

And it was $65/month WITH INSURANCE.

I'd have to go back to the Doctor to get a switch back to my old AD with a higher level.

And I just paid $180 for a new starter for my effing hooptie and I haven't even paid for the labor yet.

Basically, I can't afford to go to the doctor this month.

I was already kind of weepy on the damned anti-depressant, but since I stopped taking it at the end of last month, it's much worse.

I'm on the verge of tears at all times.

I can afford the xanax. But that's not an anti-depressant. It just helps me sleep.

So WTF?

I hate Medicare.

Why doesn't Obama stop worrying about fucking high speed trains and get universal health care so that people like me don't have to spend months (or years) sobbing all the goddamned time and get our effing meds?

I don't give a FUCK about a high speed train.

I don't give a SHIT about bailing out AIG and giving money to banks that aren't loaning the money anyway.

I need my anti depressant.

*sigh*