Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Today, I forgot how to drive.


I have been driving 4 20+ years and today I forgot how to drive.

I am %100 dead serious.


I know how to spell incognito without spellcheck and i know i spelled it right because there is no red line under the word incognito. but






If you have read me before without knowing what was really going on in my mind, and came back more than once, i hope you won't stop because of this.

i hope i won't get arrested.

i've never been arrested


This is not funny.

This is not amusing.

I'm scared.

I wrote a flipping note on a post it and taped it to my dashboard.

It says "To drive forward, put the car in The LAST D. The one that is the second letter from the end."

Right after I did that, I started the car.

My she was beside me.

The child saw me hesitating and said "That's what you normally do."

I am anal retentive

OMG, my girl Lisa is so fucking awesome. My child always knows just what to say to make me feel better. I fucking love my puppy for that.

Anyway, I started the car and put it on the D that was 3rd from the right.

Now, here's the thing. this is making me laugh

The car felt wrong.

I didn't know why it didn't feel right. Everyone who knows how to drive knows what I mean.

Luckily, when I got home from the ER (my parent drove me there) I saw my friend outside. I said to my friend, "Hey, are you doing anything right now? Can you take me to the pharmacy so I can get my scripts and then go home and maybe get some sleep?"

My friend said yes.

So the car felt wrong, and then right and then wrong all the way to the pharmacy.

I've made this trip countless times.

I'm fucking paranoid.

So paranoid that I am trying to make this as anonymous as I can right now. I am trying to write differently from how I normally write.

I am trying to be incognito while I'm loosing my mind.

I feel crazy. I know how to spell thesaurus without a dictionary.

I want some pie.

What if this is the rest of my life? This feeling. Until I die.

Will I remember anything? Is that what hell really is? Just existing and not knowing why or how or anything but that you are?

Do you want to know what the most fucked up part of this whole thing is?




OR THE disease.

I've told you that I have been feeling like shit for weeks now.

2day I forgot how to spell my name. Today I was on the highway in a death machine with my child beside me. what if i accidentally kill my child? Will i feel that is was an accident or will I know it was an accident?

I think I've told you that I literally forget what the fuck I just said as soon as the words are out of my mouth.

Today, I forgot how to change my... picture that is on the upper left hand corner of these posts.

Today I was on the phone trying to do something, and I said "Hi Jane. I need you to treat me like a total idiot, ok? do I do this? What does this mean?"

I felt so stupid.

I feel stupid now.

Jane was nice. And I don't even know her. Some people are mean. Some people say I am mean.

Maybe I am mean.

Maybe i am just stupid

what if this is a nightmar

what if i am in hell right now

I need to take the prescriptions that the doctor gave me and get on my bed and fucking pray that when I wake up tomorrow I'm all better.

Because tomorrow I have to drive my mother somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm keeping my child home from school because I am fucking scare of what will happen to me if I am alone.

I live with my child. Alone. In a multi level abode.

Do you see how scary that is?

What if something happens to me?

What if something happens to him?

I do not know when I will be online next.

Could be 5 minutes, could be never.

That's how fucking insane I feel right now.

And the worst part is that I really don't know if this is how I'll feel for the rest of my flipping life or if this is "just one of those days".

I'm purposefully making this post as anonymous as I can.

I'm scared that someone will read this and take my child away from me and make me go to the mental institution bin.

Guess what worries me about that -

I want my child to read this before I let it out into the world.

But I don't want my child to ever see this at the same time.

That sounds so insane. I AM INsane.

Laughing out loud.

I can't afford a hospital stay.

my child...

So, if you never hear from me again, I think I enjoyed this blog.

If you do hear from me again, I hope I understand what you're talking about.

This is so insane.

I need help.

This has been my head all day today. Maybe longer. I don't know. I can't say.

And I don't know if this is how it will be forever.

Because if it is.

I don't want to remain

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