Friday, August 05, 2011

What Dreams did you have?

Feeling Bruised

Feeling Caffeinated

Feeling Tired


irst, a little catch-up.

My left hand is feeling almost normal.
My Right hand still has a little of the pins & needles & numbness going on.
I think I've forgotten how to type.
My Bell's Palsy is GONE thank the Lord.
My feet STAY swollen even if I keep my feet propped up above my heart all day.
Finished ALL of my school shopping TAX-FREE in 2 days.
I think that's it?

Now playing: Commodores - Brick House

Anyway, my question is: What dreams did you have for your child pre-parenthood that you don't have now that you "know" your child/children?

I never intended or expected to have any children. (God had other plans, LOL.)

Anyway, when I was pregnant I had been going to weekly therapy & taking anti-depressants. (I stopped all meds when I found out I was knocked up)

But once I decided to keep the baby I started really wondering why I (a person with NO maternal instincts or even babysitting experience) was pregnant.

My pregnancy was physical hell, not to mention the fact that I was unmarried, mentally fucked up, and basically Ramen Noodle Poor.

I started wondering why God had put me in this situation. I thought my baby might grow up to be the First Black President (Thanks, Obama...), or that he might discover the cure for cancer, or something really amazing.

Now playing: Snoop Dogg - I Wanna Rock

That's what kept me going when I came home to an empty house & fridge.

Then I met my baby.

He was THE most perfect baby in the world & his first few years (up till school started) more than made up for my hellish pregnancy.

I still had Presidential/Nobel Award Winner aspirations for him.

He saved my life too. Literally. I knew I had to stay alive to make sure he grew up as a well-adjusted & contributing member of society. I knew it was MY PURPOSE to raise this child.

Now playing: Michael Trembello - She-s a maniac




Don't get me wrong, I love Evan to pieces even when I want to smack the shit out of him. Or choke him. Or run away. Or send him away until he's 25ish.

I just don't have those lofty goals in my head for him.

I just want him to stay alive until he's at least 18. I don't want him to have any drug/alcohol problems. I don't want him knocking up some WHORE. I want him to gradute. I want him to go to college or pick a career that he loves. AND I don't want him to eat me out of house & home.

That's not too much to ask, right? ;-)
Now playing: Fantasia - Baby Makin' Hips

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