Friday, January 30, 2009

As I was dropping the kids off at the pool

I

started thinking about Eternity.

Like after Jesus comes back & there's that whole war against Evil & then God decides who gets to have eternal life and who gets death (the wages of sin is death, not burning for all eternity in a fire, BTW.)

First, where are we all going to live? Because God said that "The meek shall inherit the earth."

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Now playing: Harry Connick Jr. - Recipe for Love

So after we are the bitches of all the people who really know how to enjoy life meek & get to live forever, we are crowded on Earth.

Maybe it really won't be that many people, LOL.

But just say that half of the people who ever lived from the beginning of time lived on the earth right now. We'd be living in little pods in ginormous buildings like the Coffin Hotel Tourists in Japan, right?

There's not enough space for that many people unless God gets rid of all the deserts and the antarctic and converts it to paradise, is there?

AND what is paradise to me isn't necessarily paradise to you. So some of us would enjoy the cold weather of the north pole. Some would be happy living in the "dry heat" Arizona. Others would want the humid heat of the effing south (???).
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Now playing: UB40 - Red Red Wine

I can't comprehend how they'd all fit.

Now, what would we eat? Unless God made it reaping season all year long, we'd run out of mangos. Everyone needs a good mango every now and then, don't you think?

Would we have to make our own bread or would he let the bread factories remain? Would we be eating Manna from Heaven all the time?

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Now playing: Apollonia 6 - Sex Shooter

I can eat the same thing night after night for a while. Like Tuna fish sammiches. But after a while, I need something else. I think I'd get tired of Manna..

So, does God appreciate modern conveniences? Or is he like my frigging mother who made me mow her 1 acre lawn with a push mower when I was a teen because "hard work builds character" but then got a riding mower the second I went off to college?

Can we still have our microwaves & DVR?

Will there be TV & internet? If there is, will it be "All God, all the time?"

I enjoy a Joyce Meyer sermon every once in a while, but if the only thing I could watch was The Christian Network, I'd rather not watch TV.

Would we only be able to listen to Christian Music/Gospel? Does God consider Kirk Franklin's music truly worthy? Would the radio only play Elvis' gospel music???

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Now playing: Van Halen - Right Now

I really have to be in the mood to hear "praise music". Especially if it's Elvis. (Sorry Omah, I know you love you some Elvis Gospel...)

One of the things I enjoy about living in this time right now is the diversity of the music. I can go from Ludacris to Duran Duran to James Brown to The Glen Miller Orchestra if I want to.

I've never heard a really good Christian Rap group. I haven't been looking, but you get my point, LOL.

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Now playing: Duran Duran - Rio

The thing that interests me the most is sex.

I'm assuming that God would only let you have sex with your spouse. He doesn't think that pre-marital sex is a good idea, so you'd have to hope that your spouse was good in bed (or could learn to be good).

God said that thinking about committing a sin is as bad as doing it, so would the people who saw David Beckham and fantasized about riding him like a horse immediately die, or would they just get a warning?

Because if they just died, I think a lot of people would die unexpectedly all the freaking time!

Is oral sex ok with God? I'm sure it's in the bible that men aren't supposed to "spill their seed" and therefore, masturbation is a sin. So men can't masturbate anymore (and neither can I?!?!?!). Which means that we'll always have to have sex with them, even though they suck (because we couldn't "test drive" them before signing on the eternal dotted line) when they want it because there's no other release for them?

What about positions? Is Missionary the only acceptable position? *shudder*

Sexual thoughts pop into my head all the time! See, I'd be dead right now...

Forget about sex.
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Now playing: Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney - Say, say, say

I lived with a guy for a year. Just a year. By the end of the year, I couldn't stand the way he breathed.

Can you imagine ETERNITY with the same person? Have you ever paid attention to old married couples? They don't talk to each other. There are only so many times you can pretend to be interested in his recycled stories and jokes. Imagine 3,000 years of that shit.

Will God allow us to change partners after a while? Like once a century or millennium we can get a new ride spouse?

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Now playing: The Clash - Rock the Kasbah

Will there be babies & children?

Will the people who died before age 18 grow up and then just stop? Or will they stay babies forever? Can we have new babies? Because if we can, we come back to the whole "How will everyone fit?" question.

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Now playing: Stray Cats - Rock this town

Are there pets in heaven? Are there lions? So are we always walking around dodging Rhino scat or what? Will that be someone's job? Picking up poop? For eternity?

Will we switch chores every thousand years?

Time flies when you're having fun...

Eternity shoveling poop as a vocation and then going home to a man who has a toddler penis and always prematurely ejaculates and snorts when he laughs and isn't all that funny to me anyway does not sound like fun.

Thank God I only think about crap like this when I'm on the terlet, or my head would explode...

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Now playing: Johnny Gill - Rub You the Right Way


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