Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm scared, y'all.

Feeling Scared


cared, freaked out, concerned, confused, sad & desperate to be more precise.

This past Sunday, my mother called me. I was asleep, but I got the call back text message when I woke up, so I called her back:

She - Would you like to go to Wal-Mart & Goody's tomorrow?
Me - *sing song professional secretary voice* No, I would not like to go to Wal-Mart & Goody's tomorrow.
She - Well you don't have to be hateful!
Me- *confused* I wasn't being hateful! I was just responding to your question!
She - FINE! *click*

She hung up on me.

So I'm like "Damn! WTF was that about? She's got issues."

It has bothered me for the past 3 days. Seriously. She flipped the fuck out.

So today I go to her house because I'm thinking I've got to find out WTF is wrong with her that she reacted to my simple, and frankly extremely polite refusal to go with her to the store.

Me - When you called me and asked me to go with you to the store and I said "No", why did you get so upset?
She - You didn't say "No".
Me - What did I say?
She - You were all hateful and said "NO! Why would I want to go to Goody's?"
Me - *shocked* Seriously?
She - *Beginning to cry* Yes! I was thinking why is she being so mean? Maybe she has PMS, but still that doesn't give her the right to talk to me like that! I didn't do anything to her.
Me - I swear to God I didn't say that. What I said was "No, I would not like to go to Wal-Mart & Goody's with you."
She - No, I said "Would you like to go with me to pick out Christmas presents for Evan."
Me - I didn't hear that. I know I was thinking "She knows I got my car fixed, so why would she think I need a ride?", but I didn't hear anything about picking out presents for Evan at all.
She - Well I said it.
Me - *crying & in shock* Well, I'm sorry that I said that. I'm sorry that you felt like I was being bitchy to you, but I swear I wasn't even feeling bitchy when I called you. I make a point of NOT talking to you when I'm feeling mad or PMSsy because I know in the past you thought everything I said to you was bitchy. But I don't remember saying that to you. I remember being extra nice when I called you back.


Whenever I call my mother, I make a point to not be bitchy or even sad because we do have such a long history of me treating her like I hate her and her acting like she's the most put upon mother in the world.

So now I'm freaked the fuck out.

In my head, I still replay it like "No, I would not like to go to Wal-mart & Goody's with you."

So the fact that she heard something totally different scares the shit out of me.

I mean, I've had instances where I can say something to someone and immediately forget what I said, I've said the wrong word like "Coat" instead of "Shoe", I've forgotten how to spell Milk or my name.

But never before have I had an experience where what I remember saying is so totally different from what the person to whom I was speaking heard.

Can you imagine how freaky that is?


How long has this been going on???????????????????????????????????????

Now I'm scared to talk to anyone over the phone.

In person, I can see the faces of the person to whom I am talking, so if I say something off the wall, I can see the reaction in their face.

But over the phone, who knows what the fuck I'm saying?

I'm scared.

WTF is going on?

Is this normal?

Could I be schizophrenic & not know it?

Have I had a psychotic break?




**UPDATE - 10:43**

I went back to my mother's house a couple of hours ago to hear the story again.

I don't feel any better about it.

Do you know someone with Multiple Sclerosis? Has anything like this ever happened to them?


Now playing: Marvin Gaye - What's Going On?


  1. It happens. You can't get inside each other's heads and read minds. You must have sounded mean on the phone. I sort of have the same thing happen to me, but it is too long a story for a comment.

    Yeah, I know someone with MS. She's pretty cool. An insomniac though.

  2. and that's why i tell people not to call me after 10 and if i'm sleeping forget it. i will agree to anything...or say something i should not.

    the script has turned, now your "calm" voice appears like screaming to your mom.

  3. Angelika,
    That was really weird. I have to say that sometimes Cir does say things and the way we respond to him makes him feel that we are being insensitive.

    I can't remember anything specific, (though he might). I'll have to ask him about it and get back to you.

    He has always been a very perceptive person - like instinctively knowing the motives behind the person he's talking to. When its not me, it can be enlightening. But when it I'm the person - it's like, how does he know that?

    But, that was really weird with your mom. Maybe others will comment as well and give you a bit more insight. Again, I'll ask Cir and maybe he'll comment also.

    You could try talking to friends on the phone (after recounting the incident to them) and ask them to let you know how you sound to them.

    Try asking it on The Link or on our site (MS Answers). Maybe someone will respond. Hope you get some answers. I don't believe anything serious is wrong other than a misunderstanding.

  4. Max - It's not like I said the wrong noun. I have a completely different memory of the event. It's as if we went to lunch together, I had Chinese & she had Mexican. But we were in the same restaurant. A restaurant that only serves Mexican food. So how the hell did I have Chinese? And why do I distinctly remember eating sweet & sour pork if I actually ordered a burrito?

    Natural - Evan has told me lots of things I've said when I was asleep. It's not like that. I can believe it when he tells me something I said while asleep.

    But I was AWAKE. I can replay the whole thing in my head. It's not like I called her and don't remember. It's not like I don't remember what we talked about. I remember something different.

    It's not like when you grow up with your siblings and you all remember the same event differently.

    Akrista - I'm really not concerned about my tone, LOL. I'm worried having a conversation with someone and after it's over, what I remember saying and what I actually said are 2 different things.

    I'll just have to talk to my neuro, I don't know if I'm not explaining it the right way or what. :-(

  5. First, I had to laugh at the amendment to your comment instructions -- "Comments not made in ENGLISH will be deleted."

    Second, my brother has MS and he definitely has short-term memory loss. He will forget the answer to questions and ask again. It's sort of like my mom with Alzheimer's although not nearly as bad.

    As you know, MS affects the brain and I know memory loss is one of the symptoms. I don't think my brother has ever forgotten full conversations like that, however.

    Definitely I would talk with your doctor. Regardless that sucks big time and I'm sorry to hear about that.

  6. CG - I think this is what's messing people up. I didn't FORGET that we had a conversation. I have a different memory of the conversation than she does.

    Which has me wondering if she lied. Seriously.

    She's always re-written history to suit herself, but it sucks a) if she did lie and b) if she didn't lie and I think that about her.

    Who will I be able to trust if not my own mother?

    Suck any way it happened. :-(

  7. Angelika:

    I've had something like this happen. I swear that I only said something one way, but it came out really really badly. I was so tired when I was talking and although I had it in my head one way, what came out wasn't at all what I meant. The only reason I knew about it was because that person told me immediately and they were shocked.

    I don't have MS - I do have seizures. I dunno. I tell folks that they get to call me by a certain time, and if I act strange not to take it personally. It's scary.

    On the other hand - if you said there is a history with your mom, it definately could be she is hearing what she expects. It could just be on her side.

    Don't worry - it will all be okay. ;)

  8. Sweetie, You know I love you. (Would love you more if you'd stop trying to steal our community boyfriend, but that's another story. haha) I don't think you've had a psychotic break - that definitely would have happened before now if it was going to happen. Like when Evan was 2. haha I just honestly think you and I have the same mother - and since I haven't been speaking to her, she's bothering you. I'm not available for her to make me think I'M nuts - so you're getting a double dose.

    Please don't make me start talking to her again. ;)

    I would honestly chalk it up to two people - with a shaky history - interpreting the same thing two totally different ways. I have that a lot with my mother. At first I was concerned she was getting Alzheimer's or something...then I realized she's just nuts. And always has been. This was just a new way for her to show it.

    I'm not slamming your mom - rather, trying to make a little light of the situation by sharing my own craziness with you. Please don't freak about it - if you're a true loon, I'll just keep biting the nurses every time they try to give me a new roommate, til you get to the psych hospital with me. What's that old saying? Oh yeah. I'll leave the light on for ya. bahahaha


    I was actually dropping by to tell you I wish you the happiest New Year - and that I'm sending all sorts of good vibes for you to have the best year ever. I hope 2010 is full of great things for you - friendship, love, laughter, good health, success, prosperity, and most of all, sanity! You are on my mind and in my heart during these holidays - and I miss chatting with you. You're a great person who adds so much to my life - and the blogging community. I love ya - and yeah, will even admit that I don't mind sharing the amazing dr with you. ;) xx

  9. Monica - The more I think about it & the more stuff happens since then, I think it was her. The other day she said something & 5 minutes later denied she said it. If The Boy hadn't been there it would have made me think I was hearing things.

    Queen - We have the same mother and the same child? OMG. You're me in an alternate universe that isn't actually alternate? *gasp*

  10. Sure it was just a misunderstanding. Maybe get a recorder and record your phone conversations just to check, don't forget the message at the front "This call maybe recorded for my sanity's sake!"


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