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ardiogirl asked a question on her blog Friday (as she does every Friday).
"Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you? Do you feel you have enough time? If not, what would give you that feeling? How much has your attitude about time changed as you’ve aged?"
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Listening to: Luther Vandross - A House Is Not A Home via FoxyTunes
My answer to the first question was "No". I'm already poor. I literally could not live on half of what I have now.
But I felt that the second part was too deep to go into without writing a very lengthy reply in her comment section.
So here's my expanded answer:
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Listening to: K7 - Come Baby Come via FoxyTunes
When I was younger, starting at age 13, I was suffering from undiagnosed depression. It wasn't until I was 19 and had my first job with insurance that I actually went to see a shrink.
My parents were not supportive of therapy. My father's exact words were "I never had anyone to talk to when I was younger, and I turned out ok." (That's debatable.) My loving Mommy Dearest was too concerned with other people finding out that she had a child seeing a shrink to take me to get help.
I tried to kill myself various times.
1. Drinking Hydrogen Peroxide (I didn't know it wasn't poisonous).2. Drinking Rubbing Alcohol. (That just made me really drunk.)
3. With all the pills & alcohol in the house, which wasn't much. That's the time that I told MD what I'd done and asked her if she was going to take me to the emergency room. She said no.
...
4. I filled up the sink with water and plunged my blow dryer into it while it was running. It just started blowing out water.
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Listening to: The Isley Brothers - Who's That Lady via FoxyTunes
6. I tried injecting air into my veins with one of those things you use to inject marinades into a roast or a turkey. Didn't work, but it hurt like hell.
7. I tried slitting my wrists. I didn't know that it would have worked better had I done it vertically instead of horizontally. I still have a small scar on one of my wrists from that incident.
8. Then I tried taking a whole pack of OTC sleeping pills. Which just kept me up so long that I was hallucinating.
So, all through my teen years, I couldn't wait for my life to be over.
I sincerely felt that God hated me and that he was having a grand time up in the heavens laughing at my misery.
There were many times I wanted to drive my car off a bridge into the water. The only reason I didn't is because I've failed at killing myself so many times I just knew that I wouldn't get hurt, but my car would be totaled.
It never stopped me from speeding. Or drinking & driving. I passively tried to kill myself until I got pregnant.
That's when I finally thought "Maybe that's why I'm here. To raise this boy who will grow up to be the first black president or find a cure for cancer or something."
I no longer speed. I no longer drink & drive (not that I did it often, because I don't drink very often). But has my attitude about death changed?
Not really.
I want to live long enough for Evan to graduate from HS so that he won't have to live with my mother if I die.
That is my only goal.
There really isn't anything that I just have to do before I die. I don't have a bucket list.
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Listening to: Faith Evans - Love Like This via FoxyTunes
I'm ready to go at any time. I would like to live to see my son as a grown man. But there's nothing I can really do about it.
I think that's why I continue to smoke. Slow suicide.
Just in case you're wondering, no I'm not suicidal. I'm not even depressed. This is the happiest I've ever been. My life is as good as it can be without having sex a couple of times a week, nodamene?
I just have no desire to live forever, or even to a ripe old age like my grandmother.
I'm tired of the same shit every day.
Then there's the multiple sclerosis.
I've seen Richard Pryor and Annette Funicello. I've seen my cousin who died at 30something from MS. I don't want to end up like that - in a wheelchair and dependent on other people to change my diapers and feed me.
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Listening to: Destiny's Child - Say My Name via FoxyTunes
Ok, I guess my attitude has changed.
I'm not actively seeking death. But I'm not actively seeking life, either.
I'm in survival mode.
*sigh*
That's all.
Yikes. I'm glad you got insurance and figured out why you felt the way you did. Teenage years are hard enough, adding depression on top of that must have been horrible. Glad you are much better now. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sandee. Me too. :-)
ReplyDeleteWow. Glad you're alive. I didn't believe in depression myself for sometime, but I know realize that it is truly a terrible condition.
ReplyDeleteAngelika, regarding the teen suicide stuff, I can relate. I tried weird stuff too not knowing it wouldn't do anything. Honestly, though, if we were meant to or truly wanted to die, we would have found a way. A girl in HS took a shotgun to her head to be with her dead parents. That is wanting to die.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you got help. I think it's generational to look down on therapy.
As I was reading, I was thinking, how could she not want to see her son married or her grandkids, but then you reminded me of the MS thing.
My uncle has it too. He's had it for 20 years and has advanced MS. My parents have a friend who is the same age as my uncle and has been in remission for as long as I can remember.
I don't know where you are with your MS and I know you must know all about it, so I'm not going to try to tell you how it can get better at times or that maybe they will find a cure.
I know that it is painful in a way that others don't realize.
I feel the need to send you a cyber hug!
~Kelly
http://30somethingandsearching.today.com
Hi Angelika,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog for a google alert about Annette Funicello, who has been my friend for 48 years. Her MS has been progressive, no remissions, and she's now on a feeding tube and can't talk, walk, or do anything for herself. She also has an asshole husband who keeps everyone away, including her own family (long story), Anyway, about your son, if something should happen to you, you can make prearrangements for his future. If you have a sibling, friend or someone else who would be willing to raise him, go to a lawyer and put it in writing. And if you don;t have a will, GET ONE, to protect him. Also, he's at the age of reason and can tell a judge if he is placed somewhere he doesn't want to go. I wish you well!
Rita
You are here for a reason. I'm hearing that you see Ethan as that reason right now, but I'm guessing there's more to your being than that. If you really want to know why you were created, ask your Creator. If you ask and listen, He'll reveal it to you in His time.
ReplyDelete"...but my car would be totaled."
ReplyDeleteI know it's a serious post but that had me cracking up! That is a thought that would go through my head too. hahahaha
I drank nail polish remover when I was a teenager. Didn't do much. And I've been extremely suicidal just in the past few years.
KNOWING that I am bipolar helps me to talk myself out of things with logic and talk down my emotions. And one thing keeping me from actually doing it is all the people it would hurt - mom, hubby, grandpa, etc.
It pisses me off when people say that they don't believe in "Depression". *sigh* Still more work to do to educate folks.
Well, know that TODAY, there are folks in the vast nothing of the Internets, who are glad you're around. Side note -hope Djimon comes across soon! I understand (in a terribly minimal sort of way) about the MS, I have a dear friend who was diagnosed about two years ago and we have yet to have The Talk About The Future.
ReplyDeleteLeon -It's hard for a lot of people who don't suffer from it to believe in or understand it.
ReplyDeleteKelly - Thanks. :-)
Rita - Thanks. My BFF has already agreed to take Evan if I die, but I really do need to get it in writing.
Carol - It's Evan, not Ethan. But God hasn't revealed his plan to me yet. I've asked numerous times...
Casto - I thought about drinking Antifreeze, because I know that some people kill dogs that way. But I never wanted a painful death, LOL.
Elle - Everyone's MS is different. I have Relapsing Remitting, which means that I get worse and then better. It depends on the type that your friend has.
Man, I wasn't expecting that...
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion is to not tell your son he's your reason for living because that could put a lot of stress on him. Thankfully he's not under pressure to be the first black President anymore. I truly hope you realize you have much more than that to live for, and if you can't find anything, create a drastic change in your life. It's a big world out there.
People - I say this because you only know me from what you've read on my blog, so don't take offense.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fucking idiot! Who the hell would tell A CHILD something like that? OMG. He's still playing with action figures. He still gets worried if I fall. I would NEVER TELL HIM that he was my only reason for living.
And no, I don't like change. I won't be creating any change in my life because that would only create stress. But thanks for the suggestion.
Hi Angelika. Thank you for your honesty and openness. I do wonder if those who experience depression in adulthood have also experienced it in childhood.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have heard a very similar line from my father: "... I never had ... to talk to anyone when I was younger, and I turned out ok." Note the difference in how he says he went it alone, didn't NEED to ever talk to anyone and he's fine.
He did not turn out fine and he has imprinted his skewed world view onto all of his children.
In the last couple of years I've remembered so many times that I can now identify as depression in the early years of my life. I never attempted suicide in my teen years but those years were very difficult.
And I've had a similar thought, that my children have changed my life in that I am living for them.
But at times I still struggle to make it through each day.
Hi! This is my first time checking out your blog, but I'll be reading you regularly. This one took me back. I had a failed (my only) attempt at accelerating my own demise in high school. I swallowed 14 aspirin...only thing I could find in the medicine cabinet. I just slept a lot. My father wasn't really feeling therapy either, so it didn't last long. That seems like another lifetime ago now...can't even imagine it now. So, anyway, you took me back. Sending you lots of light.
ReplyDeleteVCSMama - I find it interesting that the same thing that will kill another person doesn't work at all for someone else.
ReplyDeleteI think those of us who fail must be here for some reason that we can't figure out at the time.