Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Yesterday (Probably TMI)

That's bullshit.

I know it's TMI.

But it's my blog.

You don't have to read this, LOL.

So, my knees have been hurting A LOT lately.

Sunday is our normal laundry day, but my knees were hurting sooooooo bad that I told Evan we'd have to do it another day.

He was heartbroken

Evan - Good! I'd rather go do the laundry with Nana anyway! (She went with us ONCE. I don't know why. But she helped him fold his clothes. I make him fold/hang up his own clothes & I do mine.)
Me - Well call her and ask her to take you!

So he called. She didn't feel like it, but said she'd come by Monday if my knees were still hurting.

I took aspirin all day & rubbed my knees alternately with ActiveOn & BenGay. Aspirin gives me the trots, but it's the only thing that works on a lot of my pain (other than narcotics which I don't like to take).

Monday my knees were still hurting.

BUT, I had to go to the bank & get a Money Order. I decided I needed to poop first. (Pre-emptive move on my part. Because it seems like every effing time I leave the house, I have to poop. I DO NOT use public toilets. Which means I have to cut my outing short to get back home.)

*sigh*

I'm buying Evan's saxophone in installments. Every month it's $60. Like rent to own, actually.

Anyway, in December, I mailed a bunch of Christmas Cards & the payment for the sax without stamps on the envelope. (Because I'm brilliant like that.)

I got the x-mas cards back, but not the envelope with the check in it.

So I went to the bank & canceled payment on that check. I mailed another check along with a note explaining what had happened & that I had canceled pmt on the other check.

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Listening to: Harry Connick Jr. - Recipe for Love
via FoxyTunes

The check #s were sequential. Like check 1234 was the one I canceled & check 1235 was the one I sent as a replacement.

Anyway, I got a certified letter from the fuckers saying that since the check hadn't been honored, I owed $90. I called them.

She said she didn't get the check #1235 until 1/2, so they applied it to January instead of December....

Is it just me, or is that retarded? The goddamned checks were sequential. OBVIOUSLY, that was the December payment.

*woosah*

Whatever.

I came back home. Still had my shoes on. Mommy Dearest came over.

MD - You must be feeling better. You're dressed.
Me - I had to go to the bank.
MD - Good! Then you can go do your laundry today.
Me - My knees STILL hurt. I HAD to go to the bank. I was going to ask if we could come to your house and do a load of Evan's clothes, but you came over here first.

Anyway, she decided she was going to stay here until Evan got home from school so she could see the little suck up. She watched Al Green on youtube while she waited (DUR).

So Evan came home from school.

I started feeling hot. Like when it's summer & all the A/C & both fans & ice packs under my arm pits are not enough to cool me off.

I stripped to my underwear, made Evan turn off the heat, turned on the fan & panted for a while.

Then I realized that I'd better get to the toilet before I shat myself.

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Listening to: Justin Timberlake - Right For Me
via FoxyTunes

The shit that came out of my ass was liquid. I'm not talking "loose stool" here. I'm talking it sounded like I had turned on the faucet. Or that I was urinating out of my ass.

I drank some pepto. (I also took Pepto after every dose of Aspirin on Sunday. I do that because if I don't, I know I'll have "loose stool").

Came back downstairs.

15 minutes later I had to go BACK.

More Fecal Water.

I told Evan that he'd better tell Nana that I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't going to be able to do the laundry.

MD - She's just saying that because she doesn't want to go.
Me - Come here, Evan. *making him listen to the water pouring out of my ASS*
Evan to MD - It sounds like a milkshake coming out of her butt. Or a soda.
MD - Ok. Let me finish watching this & we'll go.

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Listening to: MIMS - This Is Why I'm Hot
via FoxyTunes

They were gone for 3 hours????? There were 2 baskets of laundry.

Whatever.

OH! Before she went, MD had to use the bathroom. She fell down the stairs on her way back down.

Evan - Are you ok?
MD - SHHHHHHHHH
Evan - What happened?
MD - SHHHHHHHH!
Evan - That scared me!
Me - Evan, leave her alone! She'll be all right! I hope you know that you're going to be taking care of both of us now...(Joke to lighten his mood)

Luckily, she was almost at the bottom before she fell, so she didn't fall far. Didn't re-break her butt bone.

She explained to Evan that when she gets hurt she doesn't like to talk immediately. She needs a few minutes to recover. (She doesn't understand that because he lives with me, and I give him instant reassurance whenever I fall or whatever, that he needs to hear that you're OK immediately.)

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Listening to: Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well ft Ludacris
via FoxyTunes

So yeah, they went. Took 3 hours. Came back.

While they were gone, I had three more Anal Faucet Experiences.

I took Pepto 2 more times.

It had finally stopped when they got back. But then I had to keep going to the bathroom because I drank so much freaking water because I was really concerned that I'd become dehydrated with all that LIQUID pouring out of me.

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Listening to: ok go - here it goes again
via FoxyTunes

OMG. I think I have to shit again NOW!

Thankfully, I found my Immodium AD tablets. If it's more liquid, I'm taking another one.

I don't remember what else. I have to go before I possibly shit myself.

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Listening to: Kanye West - Stronger

I'm back. It was just a fart. But I wasn't taking any chances.

I remember what I was going to say.

Another thing that freaked me out about the Anal Gushes yesterday is that after the 2nd time, it didn't even have an odor.

Can you imagine?

Seriously.

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Listening to: paul thorn - Mission Temple Fireworks Stand
via FoxyTunes

Try to imagine it.

Going to have what you think is a bowel movement & what sounds like urine comes out.

Then it doesn't even smell.

At all.

I kept standing up looking for blood.

It seriously scared the shit hell out of me.

My stomach is still kind of rumbling.

So after they got back, it was time for Prison Break.

MD didn't remember if she'd set her DVR to record it. So I let her watch it here. (I don't watch it anymore. After they got out of the first prison, I kind of lost interest.)

Then I made her watch Katt Williams: American Hustle

She laughed out loud several times.

I LOVE Katt. He really is one of the few comedians who can make me laugh because I don't guess the punchline waaaaaaaaaay before he gets to it. I never know what's going to come of his crazy ass mouth.

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Listening to: Janet Jackson - Go Deep (Timbaland Remix)
via FoxyTunes

That is all.

For real this time.

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Listening to: El Debarge - I Like It
via FoxyTunes

OMG! I was just proofreading this before I published it.

LOOK at the songs I was listening to during this.

HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

LMFAO!

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Listening to: Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
via FoxyTunes

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