OMG, I want to smoke so bad.

I've quit before.

When I was pregnant.

Whenever I get bronchitis I can stop smoking until I can breathe again, LOL.

But those times I was DESPERATE. Like digging through trash for a long butt desperate. Or driving to Wal-mart at 2 am just to get a pack.

I don't feel like that.

I want it more out of habit. Physically, I feel fine. I mean, I feel the usual aches & pains but I don't feel withdrawal yet. I've been taking Advil every 6 hours so I won't get a withdrawal headache.

It's only been 28½ hours, though. It could get worse.

Or the Chantix is better than I thought.

The thing is, a couple of years ago when I was going through this ultra religious phase and I was going to stop smoking, I got down to 1 cigarette a day and I was about ready to stop when some dude at church wouldn't shake my hand and he shook my son's hand.

The child.

??

I noticed that they treated all women like second class citizens.

So that was an excuse for me to start smoking again, LOL.

Anyway, the point is that I don't think I'm as much of an addict as a creature of habit.

If I'm out all day around people who don't smoke, I don't smoke. And I don't feel the need to smoke.

I just do it to pass the time.

Half the time I'd light a cigarette and it would have burned almost all the way down before I remembered it.

Now I'm chewing this effing gum because I'm bored watching TV or playing video games.

My jaws hurt.

I don't know. I guess I just expected to be in more...mental pain. The fact that I haven't gotten into the car to go get a carton of cigarettes is saying a lot.

Evan's not here. I could smoke the whole carton before he got back, LOL.

The other day, though, he checked the mail. He came back in and said "There's something here that I hope you don't want."

Me - What?
He - A coupon for cigarettes.
Me - Just rip them up and throw them away.
He - *relieved* Good.

I wonder why he's so worried?

I blame the bleeding heart liberals for their goddamned propaganda. Yes, smoking can cause cancer. We all know that now. But it's still OUR CHOICE if we want to kill ourselves slowly.

As you can see, I really don't want to quit.

I like smoking.

I'll probably start again at some point.

Because I can.

And because I'm self destructive like that.