Bad Mommy!

Seriously.

This morning, Evan missed the bus.

I told you he's been trying to find reasons not to go to school ever since it started. So, in spite of my yelling at him steadily since 6:10 this morning to hurry up, he took his gee dee time getting ready. He came downstairs with no shirt on. ????????????? When I told him to go get a shirt, he decided he HAD to poop. So he missed the bus.

He thought, erroneously, that I wouldn't take him to school because I don't like to go out by myself anymore just in case I fall. If he's there, he can use the phone to call someone. But, obviously I don't want him to miss school if it isn't an emergency. So I told him from now on if he misses the bus, it's $5 from his allowance. (So if he missed the bus one day of the week, he'd only get $5 allowance. I had to make it a big enough penalty that he'd never purposefully miss the bus again.)

He got home.

We went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. We were going to go to Wal mart after, but I started feeling bad so I just came home.

Every time we go somewhere, there are things I ask Evan to do. Carry my purse, get the walker out of the trunk and bring it to me, shit like that.

Every time I tell him, he says "I KNOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

So today when we got home I didn't tell him that. I put my house keys in my purse and left it in the passenger seat. He left the passenger door open and locked the car doors. (I leave the sliding glass door unlocked these days because I don't feel like struggling to get up the porch steps so I just park in the back and walk to the back door. Don't tell anybody.)

After I got in the house and sat down, I turned on the monitor for the computer. It said it had a boot disk error and I needed to put a system disk in. So I start going through all the computer disks I have trying to find the right one.

Evan comes in and tells me "I need the key because I forgot to get your purse."

I said "You remembered to get your journal out of the car, which was UNDER the purse...you were more concerned with the damned journal than my PURSE. Which has the MONEY that buys the FOOD that you eat. The key is in my purse. So is the phone. So we can't call Nana and ask her to bring the spare key. Every time I tell you something like 'get my purse' you say "I KNOW!" so today I didn't tell you, and look what happened! Now my purse is in the front seat and somebody could break the window to get the purse thinking they'll get some money! Somebody could forge a check and I get in trouble with the bank for it. Bounced checks and shit. Somebody could steal the credit card and buy a ticket to Hawaii or some shit. Plus I'd have to get all new insurance cards, a new driver's license. I'd have to reaplace ALL OF THAT SHIT! Get away from me, I don't want to see your face right now."

I was thinking I had to ask the fucking neighbor I hate if I could use her phone.

He called down from upstairs and said "The phone is in my pocket."

Me - So call Nana and ask her to bring the spare key.

She came.

When she got here, he had been crying and he started again.

She gave him the spare key and he went out to go get the purse.

Her - Why is he crying?
Me - No idea. Unless it's because I told him to get away from me because I didn't want to see him right now.

So he came back in, she left, he went back upstairs.

I finally called him back down to help him with his homework.

E - Do you know why I was crying?
Me - No
E - Because you've never yelled at me like that before.
Me - Well, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I just lost my temper. I don't feel good. Something is wrong with the computer that YOU need to do your homework which you could have done any other day this week if you had just TOLD ME you needed to use the computer. But you forgot. For 3 days. If you'd write this crap down in your planner like I TOLD YOU TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE, you would have had it done. But anyway, I'm sorry.

It's like he's done everything in in his power to piss me off today. I only found out about the computer assignment at dinner. Then I come home and the computer is fucked up. It was too much.

Usually if he pisses me off I tell him to go to his room until I calm down. Today it happened fast. Pissed the fuck off in an instant. The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got.

So now I'm trying to be nice and not tell him to "SHUT UP!" because I think I've traumatized him enough for one day.