Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I got a big ass lemon!


nd I made a whole lot of lemonade. Casto Creations tagged me with this meme.

Here are the rules:


* Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
* Link back to person who tagged you.
* Write about an incident in your life you first thought was really bad, but ended up being a blessing.
* Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
* Let each person you tagged know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
(* And if you want to - link back to this original Lemonade Meme post too.)

When I was 20, I met a man. I fell "in love". I freely gave him my virginity. We moved in together (mainly because I wanted to get out of my mother's house). We were going to get married. Pretty soon after we moved in together, we started trying to get pregnant. Seriously. I think he wanted a kid more than I did. But that's another story for another time. The gist is that it never happened. I assumed (stupidly) that I couldn't get pregnant.

So after we broke up, I continued to live my life the way I had before. Go to work, go home, do it again the next day. See a movie on Friday night. Maybe another one on Saturday. But I didn't really "date" or "go out".

My SIL told me that I needed to "act my age" (22) and "have fun". So I started hanging out with some of my co-workers. I thought they were both sluts, but they always had a new story to tell on Monday mornings.

So one of the sluts introduced me to my first Redneck. He looked like the lead singer of Metallica. (sp?) Not really my type physically. He had shoulder length blonde hair. He had a loooooooooong Jamie Hyneman moustache. And back hair. Lots of back hair.


I thought, idiotically, that with the amount of beer, marijuana, cocaine and God knows what else that he consumed, that his sperm would not be viable. So even on the off chance that it had been my BF who had the problem when I had tried to get pregnant, this dude would not be able to knock me up.

I got pregnant on April Fool's Day. God's little joke on me.

Very funny.

He asked me if I wanted to get married. Wait, here's exactly how it went:

Dumbass - You don't want to get married, do you?
Me - Not to you! Oh my GOD. You're a loser. I wouldn't have ever slept with you if I hadn't been so drunk. You're 34 years old, you rent a room from your BFF and his wife, you own one pair of shoes and NO CAR. Why the hell would I want to marry you???

So that was almost the last time I talked to him.

The pregnancy was difficult. I lost 20 lbs because I couldn't even keep water down for 6 months. I was hospitalized several times for dehydration. When I was finally able to eat, Evan decided to shove his bony butt into my spine which resulted in a pinched disc. The only thing I could take for the pain was Tylenol, which is useless (for me, at least).

After Evan was born, I went by Dumbass's job ONCE to show him a picture of his son. I told him that I didn't want anything from him, but that if he wanted a relationship with his son, it would be up to him. I did not want to have to lie to my child ("your Daddy died") or be blamed for why my son never saw his "Father".

So, they've never met. Sperm Donor's choice. I still live in the same apartment where we used to have sex. Evan knows the truth. I told him that when I had him, I gave his "father" the opportunity to have a relationship with him, but that since Dumbass had never met him, he didn't know what an awesome child he was. So it was his loss. I never said anything negative about Dumbass in Evan's presence. I don't remember exactly when Evan went from "When I meet my Daddy, I'm going to give him a big hug." to "If I ever meet him, I'm going to kick him in his nuts!", but I sincerely try not to say anything against the man. Not to Evan anyway, LOL.

I'm thrilled that Dumbass doesn't want a relationship with MY son. I'm sure Evan wants to at least meet the man. But I seriously wish he'd just die. He's always been a loser. Hell, he's probably in jail again now. I have no idea.

Here's where the lemons come in.

I was nursing. I had to get up at o'dark thirty every morning to nurse Evan before daycare. I worked 40 miles from my house. I had his daycare near my job, so I had to drive an hour to the daycare, 20 minutes back to work & then at the end of my 8.5 hour day, do it in reverse. I'd get home at about 5, nurse again, pump again, pass out on the couch by 7.

I felt really bad about leaving my child at daycare. Don't get me wrong, The workers at the daycare were awesome. The owner was WONDERFUL to Evan. She'd buy him clothes, she treated him like he was her grand child. But sometimes when I went to pick him up, he didn't want to come home with me.

Once when he was about 2, we were at my mother's house to have dinner & he said grace. We couldn't understand anything but "Amen", but we knew that he was praying. I had never taught him that.

I felt like I was not raising my own child.

After that, I started having a lot of physical symptoms. Sometimes my leg would go numb. Sometimes my back would hurt so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed. Lots of symptoms that seemed unrelated.

Lots of tests.

All through that time, I'd pray to God that something, anything, would happen so that 1) I could stay home and raise my son and 2) have the money to pay my bills & not have to worry about it.

When I was 26 or 27, I woke up one morning & I was blind in my right eye. I thought I had poked my eye with the mascara wand, but the ER doc said he wanted to send me for an MRI.

So I had the MRI. The neurologist came in and asked if there was someone I could call because I needed to be admitted to the hospital. I asked him straight out what was wrong with me. He showed me my x-rays & pointed out all the "light spots" in my brain which are called "plaques". He said it was indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. He told me that with the number & size of the plaques in my brain, it was a miracle that I hadn't had more symptoms and that I was still walking.

I'm telling you the truth when I say that the first thing I thought when he said "Multiple Sclerosis" was "I wonder if I can get a (disability) check for that?"


Initially, when I was hopped up on steroids & walking around in the hospital in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep, I cried a lot. I thought I was going to die. I thought of my cousin in the wheelchair who looked like she was 80 when she was only 30. (She has since died.) I thought about Richard Pryor.

But then I started thinking about Montel Williams & Terri Garr. They have MS too, but they kept on living their lives.

Pretty soon after I was diagnosed, my favorite boss EVER was forced to retire (The reason I loved him so much is that we had a lot in common. We were both "yankees" living in the south and neither of us kissed ass). The man that replaced Mr. T was an idiot. I hated him.

So, I quit my job and went on welfare while I waited for disability (another 2 years).

I have spent the last 5 years staying home, raising my son, & having the money to pay my bills.

You might think that that's an odd way to feel about my "disease".

But I honestly believe that God answered my prayers.

It wasn't the way I would have liked. (I would have preferred winning the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.) But I wanted to be able to stay home and raise my son without having to worry about paying my bills.

And that's what I got.

So, to quote Mary J Blige "I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine."

Now playing: Mary J Blige - Just Fine

I'm not tagging anyone, if you want to do it, do it.

via FoxyTunes

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