Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Childhood

Sometimes I think about blogging/writing about my childhood.

I think well while I'm writing. And I usually understand things after I go back and read it. Or I realize something that I've never thought of before.

But I never do.

I had a crappy childhood.

I wonder if I don't write about it because I don't WANT to remember. I've blocked most of my childhood out. Don't miss the memories, either.

Family members tell me about shit that I did or said.

The reason I want to do it is because I think it might be a sort of purge for me.

I hate my mother.

I tolerate her because of Evan.

But maybe I could come to peace with her in my own mind if I analyzed it all.

One of the things SHE does is remember shit the way she wants to remember it.

Like once when I was 19, my car broke down. I was 50 miles from home. I had to call my brother to come pick me up.

When I got home, my mother started saying shit like "Have you thanked your brother for picking you up?" and "He took his time and used his gas to come get you." This went on for about an hour. I was tired and pissed about my car and I'd had enough of her mouth.

I said "I gave him some fucking gas money! What more do you want??"

My brother said "Hey!" because I cussed in front of my mother.

That was all that happened.

SHE remembers that my brother jumped up and threatened to hurt me if I ever spoke to her like that again.

I've tried to tell her what actually happened. I finally said "You remember stuff in a way that makes you feel good, or look good to other people. It DID NOT happen that way. But if that's the way you want to remember it, fine. I don't give a shit."

This was about 10 years after the incident that she brought it up.

WHY?

What purpose did it serve?

But that's the kind of shit she does.

Like she always used to talk bad to me about my SIL. My SIL was raised on welfare. Had food stamps. Obviously, it wasn't HER fault. But my mother didn't like that. She said my SIL wasn't good enough for my brother. Also, my brother spoke like me until he met my SIL. He started getting ghetto with the dialect when he started dating her.

Anyway, my mother would say shit like my SIL stank, and that she never washed my niece's clothes or gave her a bath. So she'd get my niece to spend the night so she could bathe her, wash her hair & wash her clothes.

I don't know how we got on it, but once my SIL was talking about my mother, so I told her ALL the shit my mother said about her. (My mother does the same thing in regards to my BIL. He's white. She could rant for hours about that.) My SIL said she knew how my mother was because she'd heard the stories from my brother.

Anyway, a few weeks or months later my mother called all of us over to her house and said she wanted to talk about her will.

Then she proceeded to tell my SIL & brother that I was crazy (I wasn't). I was seeing a shrink (I was). And that they shouldn't believe anything that I said because I may or may not have taken my medication that day. (!!!!)

I told my mother everying I'd told my SIL about what my mother said behind her back. She denied it all. She said I was making it up. (boy is that a run-on sentence. Does it make sense?? I'll try to explain it better.)

Me - I've told SIL the stuff you say about her
MommyDearest - What do I say?
Me - That she stinks
MD - That's a lie. I only said she smells like cigarettes.
Me - That she doesn't take care of NIECE's hair. That she doesn't bathe her. That she doesn't wash her clothes well enough. That's why you always give NIECE a bath whenever she comes over here, and you wash her clothes. It's like you're saying "This is how you take care of a child" without actually saying the words. It's insulting to SIL. She is the mother of your grandchild. You shouldn't be so two faced. Smiling in SIL's face and then talking about her as soon as she leaves.
MD - (something which was supposed to make me look like a crazy liar"

My SIL said "It's ok. I know the deal. Your brother knows the deal. But your mother doesn't realize that your brother and I ARE getting married, we'll ALWAYS be together and there's nothing she can do about it."

So me, my brother and my SIL were STILL fine after that "meeting". At which, btw, the will was never discussed.

OMG.

Like my mother talks about EVERYBODY behind their back. She says to me "Don't tell anybody" Like I give a shit. She's such a gossip. But the thing is, if she talks about people like that to me, she's talking about me to people. That's why I never tell her anything.

And that's why I don't trust a lot of people.

If your MOTHER does everything in her power to make you feel like everyone is a liar, everybody wants something from you, you can't depend on anybody else for anything, you believe it. I heard that shit for 19 years.

The good thing: Because of her, I tell the truth. If I don't want to tell the truth, I don't answer.
Because of her, I don't ask people for help or "things". I try to be generous. I don't want to be a scrooge like her. Or a person who always reminds friends about the shit I've done for them. I try to be self reliant, and do everything myself. I don't gossip about people I know. (only celebrities, LOL.)

The bad thing about the good things: I never used to ask for help when I needed it. I didn't want to feel indebted. I didn't want to be reminded CONSTANTLY that someone helped me out. But it's something I've learned since my MS got bad. 99% of people will help you if you ask for help. 75% of people offer help before you ask for it. I'm learning that I don't HAVE to do everything myself.

There are so many more things I could tell you.

But I feel my blood pressure rising.

Plus I think this is a long ass blog...

Heh.

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