Saturday, August 05, 2006

Banned from Wal-Mart!!!!!!!!

So we went to Wal-Mart yesterday to get school supplies and clothes TAX FREE! (joy)

I was driving around the parking lot, looking for a handicapped parking space.

I saw one dude get to his car and start unloading the groceries. So I pulled up...perpendicular to him so after he backed out I could pull in. Across from me going in the other direction there was a van.

So we waited for the old dude to FINALLY start his car and the van kept inching forward. I told Evan "As soon as he backs up enough, go stand in that space. I think that van is trying to steal my parking spot!"

So he did, then I parked.

The stupid bitch in the van decided to yell at my ten year old for standing in the parking spot.

I got out of the car.

I was furious. Who the hell is she to yell at my son who was only doing what I TOLD HIM TO DO!?!?!?!

So I got my walker out of the car and I said to the bitch in the van. "Next time I see you, wherever I see you, there's going to be a discrepancy."

I was very calm as I made my way slowly into Wal-Mart.

So we got some shirts and shorts for Evan, and a shirt and shorts for me. Then we went to the hardware dept to get the combination lock for his locker.

That's when I saw van-bitch again.

I said "Aren't you the cocksucking whore who was yelling at my son?"
She looked shocked.
I said "Didn't I tell you that the next time I saw you, wherever it was, there was going to be a discrepancy?"
She said nothing, just kept trying to pick her jaw up off the floor.
I looked at Evan and said "Do you think it was smart for this idiot to come into wal-mart when she saw me going into wal-mart after I told her I was going to kick her ass?"
He said "No"
She rolled her eyes and started walking away.
I rammed her with my electric cart.
She screamed.
I started laughing. The expression on her face was so funny!
Then I rammed her again and she fell over. She kept screaming and started saying "Somebody help me! This bitch has gone crazy!"

That cracked me up more so I accidentally rammed her again because I couldn't pull my hand off the controls to stop.

I kind of ran up over her feet.
She screamed some more.
I think I became hysterical with laughter at that point because my bladder totally let go. No coochie muscles at all. But I was wearing my Poise pad, so it was ok.

I grabbed my purse out of my electric machine of death and hit her with it.

My purse is heavy. I heard her go "OOOF!" when I hit her on the stomach. She was still lying on the floor at this point, trapped under my EMD.

So then some wal-mart employees came over in their blue vests and started saying "Ma'am, please stop! Please back off of the woman" I don't really remember what else they said because she was screaming so loud again. (I guess she got her breath back.)

Anyway, I eventually rolled of the woman and Evan & I and the woman went into a room in the back. Like an interrogation room. They called the cops. They left me in there alone with the woman. (!?!?!)

I said "They're calling the cops."
She said "Good! I hope the put you under the jail! You're insane."
I said "I hope you press charges."
She got this confused look on her face.
I said "Because the entire time I'm in jail I'm going to be thinking of more creative and painful ways to beat the shit out of you. You know they put addresses on police reports, so I'll know where you live. And while I'm in jail I'll hire some of my ex boyfriends crackhead friends to come over and shit on your porch every day."
She still didn't say anything.
Then the blue vest wal-mart guy and a cop came in.
I started crying. (This starts Evan crying.)
I started my "Employee of the month" act and acted really apologetic and snot was running out of my nose and I said "The first time I hit her was an accident! She started yelling at me because she said I stole her parking spot. I just thought she had pms or something and I ignored her and came into the store. But then when she saw us in there she started yelling again. I was trying to leave and she kept chasing us. You know how slow those carts move, I couldn't get away from her. She was scaring my son!"

Blah blah. My fingers are getting tired. But the jist is I wasn't arrested and I was banned from wal-mart for a year. And we didn't get the school supplies.

That sucks.

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